Entitlement, Equality

Why is it so difficult for people to understand that changing other people's behaviors and attitudes takes work?

Respect... is a difficult thing to define or write rules for. Every person, regardless of age, gender, race, sexual preference, physical appearance or ability, or any other variable, deserves respect for their basic human rights. If you need to know what that really means, a list can be found here. In brief, and what I am trying to say, is that every living person deserves to have their dignity as a living individual respected -- every human deserves respect insofar as they may not be enslaved, harmed, or treated unequally by the law.

But human rights get fuzzy when you inject the element of culture. Even "free" societies allow bigoted and discriminatory behaviors under the law -- because it takes a lot of time and a lot of WORK for all variations of human behavior, identity, and form to be fully understood, accepted, and given firm and clear means of communication -- i.e. words that apply specifically to different KINDS of people. My dears, until just over 100 years ago, there was no way to clearly communicate, in the English language, what homosexuality was. There were Biblical words, considered obscene and taboo in polite company, and there were slang terms that mutated from region to region and were as variable as snowflakes, but 100 years ago, no one could explain that their sexual orientation was anything other than heterosexual and be understood by the majority of society, much less ACCEPTED by it.

It takes work to get to that acceptance and understanding. This is as it has always been -- a matter of survival. We are not, as a species, psychologically programmed to accept changes in social routine without a fight. Of course we fear the Other -- for most of our history as a species on this planet, the Other has been a bringer of death, disease, rape, tyranny, etc. We have an inborn genetic understanding that any change in social routine is dangerous. Most of us will react this way even when it is not true. It is the same instinct that makes us homesick when we leave our primary caretakers' nest; it is the same instinct that makes us continue to love our childhood games and stories well beyond childhood. The familiar is safe.

At no time in the course of human history has there been a people like Americans. Other countries may have blood mixed by invasion and trade; other countries have seen the "lawful" invasion of foreigners as the result of empire expansion; and Canada and Australia may have majority populations whose ancestors were not native to their lands; but no country except America has so many people from so many places. No other country has so many mutts. No other country imports and exports people to and from all over the world like a country breathing people, despite our recent absurd obsession over "border safety."

I don't point this out as an observation made to stir patriotism. I am writing this to post to places where the vast majority of readers will be American. I am writing as a person whose online venues are run and populated by mostly Americans. And my point is that if ever there was a society with the tools to encourage acceptance, understanding, and begin to break our instinctual habits in the interests of the equality of all humans, it is this society. Like any other nation, we are rife with bigotry, lawful discrimination, miscommunication, and lack of education. But we don't have to be. We are truly privileged in that we have the potential to become something magnificent if we can figure out how to deal with our instinctive misgivings about each other.

Which brings me back to my point. I have regularly in the past but far more so recently seen a certain attitude that pervades any discussion of inequalities -- an attitude that no one should have to "bend over backwards" for people who will not immediately and unquestioningly alter their behavior for the sake of any transgression against a person who is an Other to them -- be that transgression as immense as enslavement and discrimination, or as minor as an unintentional use of an unknowingly offensive word. That same attitude seems to walk hand-in-hand with the idea that no person who experiences unequal treatment should have to explain themselves to the people whose actions and attitudes must be changed.

This attitude is absurd and unrealistic.

No, it is not fair that some people have to make a great effort to be treated with equality in their own societies. But it is necessary. Humanity's instinctive fear of the Other does not justify bigotry and discrimination, but it does explain it. It is not rational to expect people to change on their own accord the behaviors and attitudes that have been practiced and taught in their society for spans of time that engulf generations more than I myself can count on either side of my own family tree. It is not realistic to expect people to alter their attitudes just because they are told they should.

Changes in behavior and attitudes come from respect. The concept of respect is deeply ingrained in our social rituals, which is how we communicate respect for other persons. When most people think of a ritual, they think of things like shaking hands, addressing elders and social superiors by certain titles, observing courteous behaviors on the road and in other social situations, and even practicing basic hygeine. Rituals are the practices of peace which we, as a society, agree to follow and to recognize in order to maintain order. Our rituals are a language, and like our spoken language, they are ever-changing, and can mean much even at the most subtle levels.

Every victory of equality is an alteration in social rituals. This is not a small thing. This is not a demand one can make of a society without having to work for it. Rituals are observed on a platform of respect, but respect must be earned. This is not a radical concept, and it has been proven to work in the past. This is the same basis on which Ghandi and King practiced their movements of social evolution.

All people who want equality must work for it, and prove themselves deserving of it. This is not done through hostility, or through attitudes of entitlement. This is accomplished through gradual, persistent efforts to prove oneself able to coexist peacefully with the majority, to earn one's own livelihood, and to contribute to the common good. This is accomplished through a willingness to educate those who do not understand the position of the Other, and through persistent self-discipline and humility.

In short -- yes, it sucks to be the Other. Yes, it's hard to be misunderstood, mistreated by the majority and their laws, and to be born into a life that will be inherently more difficult that someone else's in very basic ways due to differences beyond one's own control. But no amount of indignant hostility will ultimately promote a cause. Equality is achieved through patience and willingness to work to help those who want to understand and change.

So many times, I have seen people come forward with questions only to be told off with varying degrees of hostility and informed that they need to "do their own research" before they can come back and ask more informed questions without being judged and accused of ignorance, malice, and "privilege" (a word I disapprove of vehemently, but that's a rant for another post). Not only do these responses actually discourage people from changing, they reflect an arrogant ignorance and carelessness for one's peers. It says that you believe yourself to be better than them, because you are somehow more enlightened. And maybe, in a sense, you are -- but what's the point of being enlightened if your psychological evolution serves no one but yourself? What good are you with all your intellectual content if you won't give what you know to others who would seek and accept that understanding and add to the progress of social evolution?

Again, I'm not saying it's fair. I know full well, as a person who belongs to a group that is lawfully discriminated against, that it can be damn tiring to have to constantly explain oneself to others. But you know what? It's worth it. Equality is a worthy goal, but not an easy one. It demands that we must all be heroes. Heroism is not the same as aggressive hostility. Heroism is self-discipline, patience, understanding, generosity...

The world will not give to you what you do not give to it. Mankind has potential for so much good, so much enlightenment, so much magnificent triumphs of what we would call virtue and humanity and progress -- but these things cannot and will not come unless those of us who want equality are willing to earn it, however unfair it may seem that that work must be done. We are all who we are. We are all capable of our own heroism. But we will fail if we continue to allow ourselves to believe the lies of entitlement. There is no productivity in victimization. There is no progress from passivity. I do not preach that everyone should be a martyr, but if you read this far and leave with anything, I want you to leave with this thought:

You are a member of the infinitely variable and complex structure, Mankind. You have a right to yourself as much as anyone, but the world is not a kind or merciful place. Mankind is a machine capable of magnificent functions, but the machine cannot function if its parts cannot work in harmony. It is up to you to show, through peace and open education, that you can belong in the whole without disrupting its productivity. It is equally up to your fellow humans to make an effort to incorporate the solution you offer. But it is not up to them to find your place for you, or to figure out how you work unless you meet them half way and welcome them into who you are, as you want them to welcome you into identification as part of who THEY are.

These are idealistic thoughts. These are demanding thoughts. But if even one person reads this and decides to devote their efforts to educating those who are willing and to living as productive and peaceful a life as their society will allow them to live, then the world has been changed just that much for the better, and that is worth everything. Our evolution is EVERYBODY'S business.

From Washington DC, the world is listening, Fayah.

There is nothing I can add to this that can possibly do anything but detract from the eloquence of these words. This is the poetry of something real, that means more as itself than it ever could through the reinterpretation of the greatest poets or politicians.

In the brutality, the honesty, and the beauty -- there is Truth. This is something important.

From Idiomagic on LiveJournal, a public post, copied here in its entirety:

I heartily wish I didn't have to report this. I just found out that Fayah was one of the women who led the protests on July 30th at Neda Agha Soltan's gravesite.

She was beaten severely by several Basij militiamen with batons, and struck repeatedly on the head.

Her friends carried her away from the cemetary to a friend's house. She died on August 2nd, having never regained consciousness.

Fayah Azadi was 23 years old, a student at Tehran University, studying art. She was a talented painter, and a staunch supporter of democracy and women's rights.

Nothing I can say can do justice to her courage and dedication and resolve, so I am reposting her last email to me. Her words are the best epitaph I can imagine.

Please note, if you are one of the people who abhors martyrdom and the very concept of dying for a cause, I respect your opinion but this is not the place to state it. I am deeply distraught right now, and I fear I would not give your opinions the thoughtful response that they deserve. Thank you.

"I love life. I love to laugh and be with my friends. There are so many books I want to read, movies I want to see, people I want to meet. I want to marry, to be a good wife and mother. I want to grow old with the people I love, to feel the sun on my face, to see the ocean, to travel.

My country is in a terrible state. People have no jobs. There is no money. People have no freedom. Women must hide themselves from the world, and we have no choices.

Our people--we are not terrorists. We hate terrorists. And that is what our government has become. They kill our people for no reason. They torture us in their prisons because we want freedom. They make our country look evil, they make our religion look evil.

We are fighting for our freedom, for our religion, for our country. If we do nothing while injustice abounds, we become unjust. We turn into the ones we hate.

I have to fight. I have to go back on the streets. I will make them kill me. I will join Neda, with my friends, and then maybe the world will hear us.

I never thought I would become a martyr, but it is needed. The more of us they kill, the smaller they become, the more strength the people will have. Maybe my death will mean nothing, but maybe it will buy my country freedom.

I am very sad that I will never be a mother, that I will never do the things I love, but I would rather die than do nothing and know that I am to blame for the tortures, the murder, the hatred.

Please tell the world how much we love life. That we are not terrorists. We just want to be free."
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From Washington DC, the world is listening, Fayah.

--VG